A few months ago I had a conversation with my husband about my work. I was wondering out loud what it means to be productive. I remembered my favorite slam poem by Taylor Mali. And I started listing things that productivity could look like, but don’t resonate with me: how much we produce in terms of a final product, how much money we make, working 40 hours a week. These are all fine things, but they’re also not things everyone can or should accomplish. Society pressures us into this rigid idea of productivity, and that harms people like me who simply cannot function in that way.
For me, being productive is defined by what we do, not how often we do it. It’s helping others, but sometimes it’s only helping ourselves. It’s living life, and sometimes that means just surviving until the next day.
It has been unhealthy for me to equate my productivity with making money. But because I live in a capitalist society I have always looked for ways to monetize the work I do. And every time I do that, the joy is sucked out of the process and it becomes this stressful thing that HAS to get done, not this joyful thing I WANT to get done.
I need to focus on what I actually feel called to do, and that is helping others (humans, animals, the planet). I am privileged enough to not have to worry about money because my husband makes enough to support us both. So for now I will be focusing my energy on finding ways to help via volunteering, gratis art projects, and, most importantly, taking care of myself so I don’t keep trying to pour from an empty cup.
So what does this mean for the work I’ve been doing?
I will still be taking commissions, but never more than one at a time. And I will continue to work on my art but focus on exploration and trying out new styles and generally creating things that bring me joy.
I shut down my OnlyFans. I’m sure a lot of people didn’t even know I had an OnlyFans. I did, and I used it as a way to explore my own body, sexuality, and confidence in my skin. And it did help to that end. The money I made along the way was simply a bonus. But I found that it was no longer enjoyable for me to find new ways to create sexy content. This is not to say that I’ll never do something like that again, but for now my Luna persona is strictly focused on gaming. Maybe in the future I can get into cosplaying and see where that goes.
I also took away my top tiers on Patreon so now the only tiers are Cafecito ($1/month) and Colada ($2/month). I did this to take away the added work that came with the upper tiers that I felt were difficult to keep up with.
My goals right now are simple: create, help, love, and live. I will be following the phrase that always reminds me to be true to myself, “Follow your bliss.”